As a parent of young children, I know firsthand how challenging it can be to try to do all the right things at the right times when it comes to raising your kids. So much of parenting is unpredictable and learned only through experience. But if we can adopt the mindset that our children were entrusted to us by God and that they’re His children first, we can develop a healthier mindset for raising kids that trust in Jesus.
The Importance of Parenting
I’m sure it seems a little unnecessary to point out that parenting is important, but I want to do so for the sake of making sure we’re being intentional in how we go about it. I just heard something on the radio that up to age 12 is considered the “formative years” for our kids, but that the next 12 years are arguably just as important in developing who our kids will turn into as adults.
Not only do we need to teach our children how to live in the current society, but we also need to make sure we’re giving them the tools necessary to live out their mission as disciples in today’s culture as well. To figure out how to do this, we first have to look to scripture.
“Start children off on the way they should go, and even when they are old they will not turn from it.”
Proverbs 22:6 NIV
We need to be intentional about pointing our children to Jesus from the start!
This is something we’ve tried very hard to do in our family, but it wasn’t without help from our village. We are extremely blessed to be surrounded with believers on just about every side of our extended family and our kids have great examples of godly men and women in their lives. But if everyone weren’t on the same page about how they needed to act around our children, this job would be much more difficult.
Another thing to note here, don’t discount your children’s faith just because they are young!! Jesus wanted the young children to be able to come to him just like the adults and scripture even tells us to have faith like a child (Matthew 18). I never thought my children would have the understanding they do of God or be able to pray like they do at such a young age. Watching my three-year-old daughter turn to God in prayer when she gets a boo-boo or be willing to pray over someone that is hurting because she knows God is listening and able to heal us is a huge blessing in our lives.
“Children are a heritage from the Lord, offspring a reward from him.”
Psalms 127:3 NIV
Children truly are a gift from God and when we keep this mindset, yes, even through disciplining, it can help us maintain a much more level head through the highs and lows of parenting.
“Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. ‘Honor your father and mother’-which is the first commandment with a promise-‘so that it may go well with you and that you may enjoy long life on the earth. Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord.”
Ephesians 6:1-4
We have a role to play in teaching our children to obey us, and consequently all other authority in their lives, but in a way that doesn’t exasperate them. I really take this command to heart when thinking about different disciplining styles that work for different children. I’m sure you know that all children are different and respond to discipline in different ways. Really getting to know your own children and what makes them tick, or how they react to different things can be crucial in shaping a godly role model in their lives.
“Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength. These commandments that I give you today are to be on your hearts. Impress them on your children. Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up.”
Deuteronomy 6:5-7 NIV
As we go through life, we have to show our children how to love the Lord and what that looks like practically. Otherwise, how will they know what they should do or how they should do it? If we’re not living those lives ourselves, our children are not going to be able to see that example or live it out in their own lives.
I think setting this example comes in two parts: what we tell them and what we show them.
What We Tell Them
One of the biggest ways we can guide our children is through our language. Teaching them right from wrong, encouraging positive behavior, correcting negative behavior, etc. Children should be able to trust that what we tell them is true and right and if they follow our verbal instructions, they will be on the right track.
This is also where I would tie in scripture and learning from the Holy Spirit. I think it’s important to teach our children that God’s Word is living and active and that it still speaks to us today. I love keeping the conversation open about what I’m learning in my current Bible study or asking them if they read their Bible or learned anything new from scripture. I also share with my kids, in a way they will understand, when we receive an answer to prayer, or when the Holy Spirit speaks to us. I want them to know how normal it can be to have conversations with God all day long and see their faith grow as they develop these habits for themselves.
The situations that cause issues with this is when our actions don’t line up with what we’re telling them. When we start to create gray areas where there were once black and white options creates confusion and chaos where there used to be clarity and peace.
What We Show Them
Thus, the example we set for our children by our actions is equally as important as what we tell them, especially if there is a discrepancy between the two. When our actions don’t line up with our instructions, our children will start to question what they know as truth. They will start to question our authority as their parents when something inside them says the situation is not quite right.
This is why it’s important to be clear and consistent with rules for all the children, or even all the family members. If you set a rule that no one watches shows with cuss words in them, and then your children see or hear you watching such a show, it creates a conflict between what they know and what they see. As parents, this is often where we blur our own lines and justify our actions with excuses like, “This is an adult show and you’re just too young to watch it.” While this may be the case in some circumstances, we need to be very careful that what they see us doing are also things we’re ok with them doing, even if at a later age.
Consistency Is Key
This brings us back to consistency. When it comes to raising children, I don’t know about yours, but mine remember EVERYTHING! That one promise made to them three weeks ago that was never fulfilled, that quick explanation of why we needed to turn that movie off, etc. There is nothing that gets passed them. This is because of what I mentioned earlier, our instruction shapes their reality. When children have trustworthy parents, they trust what their parents say to be true. It becomes black and white in their minds. When we intentionally blur those lines because we don’t feel like having a conversation or coming up with a reason for our discrepancy, we open the door to the gray areas.
Trust me, I am just as guilty of using the explanation of, “Because I said so!” more than a time or two, but in the grand scheme of things, it’s not very helpful for them or us.
Unfortunately, that often translates to other areas of their lives, even when we don’t mean for it to happen. Let’s say, for example, you raise your kids to be on a routine where bedtime is always at 8pm. Then, one day, you’re sitting on the couch scrolling, trying to unwind from the day and you don’t feel like putting them to bed right at 8, and it turns into 8:30 or 9pm. We’ve all done it and know just how easily it can happen. But now, all of a sudden, bedtime at 8pm is an option, not an absolute. This may seem like a minor instance, but these little areas of compromise become translated into more questioning of your authority and the rules you do want to enforce.
Then, the next time you want your kids to go to bed at 8pm and they don’t listen, can we really blame them? We were the ones who bent the rules, the same rules that should be immovable. Then, when they start to challenge the rules to determine the true boundaries, they get in more trouble for being “disrespectful” or just plain “not listening.”
It goes back to the old adage, “Say what you mean and mean what you say.” Let your word be dependable. And I know life happens and we’re obviously not robots that do the same thing day in and day out, but it’s also ok to explain the discrepancies to your kids. Even saying things like, “We know bedtime is supposed to be at 8pm, but tonight we were running late. Tomorrow we can all try to do a better job at getting to bed on time so that we can have energy to play tomorrow,” or something like that. I have found that the more I keep my kids in the loop, the more they are able to think through situations for themselves and hold absolute rules when necessary.
Our Kids Are Our Kids For A Reason
I had a thought the other day when I was preparing for this post. When God gives us children, He places each specific child in our lives for a reason. It’s not a random draw, it’s not a chance selection. We, as parents and grandparents, are also created in a way that we will be the right parent or grandparent for that child. God has given us specific traits and characteristics that these children will need to help them in their lives.
Think about it, not every mother or father is the same, and these differences, even the small ones, shape the family dynamic as a whole. God not only knew that our children needed us, but He also knew that we needed our children.
I don’t know about you, but I cannot tell you the number of times I have learned a lesson, sometimes even the hard way, through my kids. There is a whole new level of maturity, patience, and perseverance that you experience once you have children. I definitely understood a lot more about my Heavenly Father and my relationship with Him once I had my own children and that I think that is one of the most important parts of God giving us kids.
Back to the Idea That Our Children Are God’s Children First…
God ENTRUSTED our children to us, that means that He was first in control, gave us our children for a reason, but ultimately, remains in control of their lives just as He is in control of ours. He is trusting and teaching us how to guide them as we raise them, but we should be teaching them to look to Him first for guidance and direction and reflect that intimate parent/child relationship to them so they can better understand their relationship with God.
For some of you, this may take some of the pressure off because if we believe that God is ultimately in control, even when we feel like we’ve failed, or even when our kids go astray, God is more than able to give us grace through the situation and fix our mistakes. He is able to give our kids understanding beyond what we may teach them and sometimes even despite what we teach them. While He wants us to teach, discipline and love on our kids, as long as we’re pointing them to Jesus, He is ultimately going to be the biggest influence in their lives and shape how their lives turn out. And that is something we can lean on no matter what may come in this life.
