We’ve all been there…
That time that your child did something that just set you off.
Please tell me I’m not alone in this.
Maybe it was a huge mess, something shattered to pieces, something you told them to do or not do a million times and they still haven’t done it or did it anyway.
Ok, now picture the last time that happened…what did you do?
Did you calmly sit them down and discuss the situation with grace and mercy? Lovingly explaining to them what they did wrong and patiently telling them how to change their behavior and move forward?
Or did you yell and punish them harshly instead?
Trust me, I have done both, so I can totally relate here.
I think at the end of the day, we’d all like to be those parents that don’t yell and don’t harshly punish and have kids that are just magically respectful and kind all the time.
But guess what? Kids are human too. And you know what humans do? They sin.
Yep, over and over again, no many how many times you tell them not to, they sin. We all do! It’s part of our nature since the Fall.
Does that make it excusable? No! But it does make it relatable.
So I was thinking about this situation and how, as parents, we often expect our kids to know how to do the right thing all of the time. We forget, especially as they get older, that they will still come into contact with unique situations and may not know how to navigate them just yet. In those times, we assume the other life lessons they have experienced so far will transfer, but they don’t always relate the two and make the wrong decision.
I was also thinking about how we expect our kids to learn a lesson once and not repeat the same “bad” behavior or “bad” choice again. But how many times have we done the same sin over and over? God doesn’t berate us the second or third time we’ve done it and throw up His hands and say “I’m done!”
He gives us time to figure it out and then is ready and waiting to love on us all over again, no matter how many times we fall.
"Therefore, the kingdom of heaven is like a certain king who wanted to settle accounts with his servants. And when he had begun to settle accounts, one was brought to him who owed him ten thousand talents. But as he was not able to pay, his master commanded that he be sold, with his wife and children and all that he had, and that payment be made. The servant therefore fell down before him, saying, 'Master, have patience with me, and I will pay you all.' Then the master of that servant was moved with compassion, released him, and forgave him the debt. But that servant went out and found one of his fellow servants who owed him a hundred denarii; and he laid hands on him and took him by the throat saying, 'Pay me what you owe!' So his fellow servant fell down at his feet and begged him, saying, 'Have patience with me, and I will pay you all.' And he would not, but went and threw him into prison till he should pay the debt. So when his fellow servants saw what had been done, they were very grieved, and came and told their master all that had been done. Then his master, after he had called him, said to him, 'You wicked servant! I forgave you all that debt because you begged me. Should you not also have had compassion on your fellow servant, just as I had pity on you?'" MATTHEW 18:23-33 NKJV
In this passage, Jesus is explaining that God will always have forgiveness for our sins, no matter how many times we sin or how badly we sin against Him and we are to do the same to our sisters and brothers. I know it’s strange to think of your children as your sisters and brothers, but they are in Christ.
So How Do We Keep Our Cool When Our Kids Are Pushing All of the Wrong Buttons?
Take A Deep Breath
Stopping to pause and calm down before dealing with the situation can be key. It gives us a second to breathe and consider how we want to react before we just react. Even just stepping out the room can help.
Thank God For Your Child
You know what’s easy? Being angry and acting on a knee jerk reaction. You know what’s hard? Being full of rage and gratitude at the same time. As soon as you fill your mind with thankfulness, you may see the situation in a different light.
Weigh the Situation
Consider whether this is something really worth freaking out about. After all, children, just like adults, remember less about what you say and more about how you make them feel. If every time they make a mistake, you freak out and blow up, they may develop a mindset that makes them fearful to make mistakes. Is that the lesson you want to teach them? Or, do you want to ingrain in them that no matter how many times they make mistakes, you will always be there for them?
Look For the Lesson
Instead of blowing up, is there a better way to handle the situation to teach them a lesson? I am constantly looking for ways to teach my kids the things I want them to know before they’re adults, but these situations are sometimes the best lessons that we don’t take advantage of.
Tag-Team!
If you have the ability to have your spouse available when these situations occur, discuss your goals for reacting ahead of time and have a plan. When one of you can’t handle any more without freaking out, tag your partner and let them step in. Why? In these situations, it’s much easier for anger to escalate when you’re the only one dealing with it by yourself. When you do step one and your spouse does step two, etc., it gives you both a chance to step away from the situation and cool down.
Regroup
Do you ever have those days when it’s just one thing after the next? I always try to be very aware when I start noticing patterns of any of my kids acting up. Sometimes it just seems like it’s one of those days, and maybe what they really need is to regroup. I’ve always noticed that my kids do better and have better attitudes when I give them jobs, especially with rewards. Find what works and do it! Sometimes it’s a change of scenery, some fresh air, etc. Change up their situation and break the cycle of misbehavior and see if it helps.
Time Out
I know this sounds counter-productive to what I just said, but this kind of “time-out” isn’t necessarily a punishment, it’s more of a break for your child to reflect on what’s going on. When I do this, I specifically use the phrase “taking a break,” not “taking a time out.” I also suggest activities to them that may make them feel better by asking questions, like, “Are you tired? You seem like you need some quiet time or a nap,” or “Do you have too much energy? Why don’t you play chase or let’s go for a walk.” Sometimes this is all it takes to change the entire course of the day.
Highlight the Positive
I notice that this really helps on those days when my kids are repeatedly misbehaving. I start telling them what they’re doing well. Imagine if you were at work or with other adults and they kept telling you what you were doing wrong all morning. By the afternoon, wouldn’t you feel like you couldn’t do anything right? If we’re constantly correcting our kids all morning, even if they deserve it, it may just fuel the fire. Start complimenting them and building them up and not only will it help them feel better, but it will help reset your perspective too.
Let’s Sum It Up
Please don’t misunderstand me, I’m 100% NOT suggesting that you stop disciplining your kids. I totally believe in discipline! It is a very necessary part of growing up.
"He who spares his rod hates his son, but he who loves him disciplines him promptly." PROVERBS 13:24 NKJV
Children need discipline to learn right from wrong and help them navigate their own lives, but scripture also says…
"So then, my beloved brethren, let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath; for the wrath of man does not produce the righteousness of God." JAMES 1:19-20 NKJV
It’s ok to tell your kids that you love them but you don’t love their behavior. It will help them learn to regulate their own behavior going forward and teach them to be respectful adults. Let us all show the same grace and mercy to our kids when they make mistakes that our Father shows us when we mess up.
